You seem like a fun and cool person. I bet sometimes, of an evening, you like to chill out, hang out, bro down, bless up, what have you, with your friends and associates. Maybe, some of those times when you’re hanging out, you even drink alcohol! The way a person might when they’re legally of age, and have no other reliable mechanisms for overcoming their own inhibitions. Nothing wrong with that.
Now, here’s where I become curious (and possibly judgmental) about your lifestyle choices. Say you go out, and you get a little tipsy. You go dancing, even! You get all sweaty. You probably stand around outside talking to some people who are smoking cigarettes (never YOU, naturally), and end up infused with eau de American Spirit. You have a great time.
You get tired, you come home, you remain tipsy, if marginally less sweaty, and — then what? Do you just hop into bed and fall asleep, with or without remembering (contingent on level of intoxication) to remove your clothing and brush your teeth and, ideally, chug a bunch of water?
The correct answer is: NO. You don’t do that. You don’t expose your clean, innocent jammies and sheets to your sticky, stinky, booze-oozing body. You don’t give in to your own perfectly reasonable instincts, which are telling you to lie down and close your eyes. Instincts are for wolves and weaklings.
Instead, you go out, you drink some drinks, you get sweaty and smelly, you come home, and you TAKE A SHOWER. RIGHT NOW. THIS MINUTE. Go on. I’ll just stand here in the hallway until I hear you get in.
It will seem as if magical elves came in the night and washed you with tiny elven sponges, except not in a creepy way.
I know you think I’m being annoying, and also that you want me to move the chair I’ve propped up against the bathroom door to blockade you in there, but I know what I’m talking about.
I have discovered the answer to the question humankind has been asking ever since we figured out how to drink too much: How can I not feel like a disgusting piece of garbage the day after? Drinking water before you go to bed is part of the answer, yes, I grant you. But drunk showering, that’s the real secret.
Sure, you might be a little wobbly, and no, I wouldn’t recommend trying to shave your legs or any other bits while you’re in there. But the bottom line is that showering now, while you’re still buzzed enough that you’re in a good mood and the passage of time feels nebulous, will come back to you tenfold in the morning.
In the morning, you will awake miraculously fresh and clean, and most importantly, not feeling like a sad, nasty wad of toilet paper on the floor of the restroom of life. You won’t have to drag your sorry carcass out of bed and into the shower in order to feel human again. Instead, it will seem as if magical elves came in the night and washed you with tiny elven sponges, except not in a creepy way.*
But then it will dawn on you: It was Drunk You who did that! By showering before going to bed, Drunk You gave Hungover You a beautiful, selfless, perfect gift. Heck, you might absorb so much water through your pores that you won’t even be hungover. THAT’S the genius of this program.
Believe me, don’t believe me, what do I care? I’ve got places to go, people to see, and a shower waiting for me when I come home. Tomorrow morning, we’ll see who the real genius is.
*This principle also applies to the excellent practice of Night Showering in general, regardless of alcohol consumption, but that's an argument for another day.